One of the hardest things about coming into a family as a bonus mom is hearing about the memories my husband and his kids shared before I came into the picture. If I’m honest, it still tugs at my heart when they talk about those big experiences, like the time they all went to the ocean together. I love that they have those beautiful memories, but sometimes it’s bittersweet knowing I wasn’t there with them—and even tougher knowing they were at an age I didn’t get to experience alongside them.

But here’s what I’m learning: while I may not have been there for those moments, I get to be here for the ones we’re making now. The ones where we’re all laughing together during meals, gathering around a little fire in the backyard, playing hide and seek in the dark, or making new traditions like decorating gingerbread houses at Christmas or bundling up on the couch for movie nights. I like to go all out for our rare movie nights—each kid gets their own bag of popcorn with chocolate candy sprinkled in it. These small, unplanned moments have become our “big” memories, ones that don’t cost much but mean the world.

I’ve started a tradition with the girls where, every so often, we’ll go out for a “girls’ day”—a little shopping, a meal together, maybe some ice cream afterward. I remember being incredibly excited the first time my youngest bonus daughter asked if we could have another girls’ day. The boys don’t like to do the same activities as we do on girls’ day, but I still try to do special things with them, too. Typically, when we have a girls’ day, their dad takes the boys to do something fun as well. They just aren’t as cool as us to call it “boys’ day.” 😉

There are times that remind me just how much grace we all need in navigating this life change together. I remember early on, our oldest boy asked his dad if he was ever getting back with his mom. It was an honest question in his eyes—he was only eight at the time and had known nothing else but them together. I had just started being around, and I could see the weight of that question on him, and on his dad. It was a difficult moment for all of us, but I realized that answering those questions with love and patience is part of building the trust and respect that make up a family. Moments like these are challenging, but they also help shape the foundation of the bonds we’re creating together.

As much as I sometimes wish I’d been there for their early years, I’m incredibly grateful for the chance to create new memories that they’ll hopefully carry with them. I’m learning to have grace with myself as I continue to find my own place in their lives, while remembering they’re still adjusting to their world changing, too. It’s okay to feel a little bittersweet about the past, but even more important to embrace the present. At the end of the day, I know I’m part of their journey now, and that’s something I wouldn’t trade for anything.

To Other Bonus Moms Reading This: If you’ve felt this way, know you’re not alone. I’d love to hear about your own special moments or simple traditions that mean the most to you and your family. Let’s encourage each other to cherish the everyday joys that make up our own unique family stories.